My First Critic

17 Sep

“Everyone’s a critic and most people are DJs” -The Hold Steady

There’s a first time for everything.  First time you tie your shoe, first time you fall in love.  First time you throw an arcade basketball and it ricochets off the backboard and hits you in the head.  Whaaaat, of course that didn’t actually happen to me at a bar that use to be around the corner from my house.  That was just…I mean I was only…it didn’t really…ummm….I, I…what was I saying?  Is it hot in here?

Let’s move on shall we.  Like I was saying, every experience has a story about the first time you experienced it.  I recently had a very new ‘first’.  And like many ‘firsts’, it was slightly awkward, a little unsettling, and in the end quite liberating.

A person I’ve met once and then decided to add me to facebook, sent me a private message.  He asked me if I ever wondered if people found Gherkin offensive, and then informed me that he had pondered this question.  It was written in a rather aggressive way, or at least I thought so.  So I’m assuming they are not a fan.

As much as it excites me that I could write something that would get someone to ponder.  After all what’s cooler than making one ponder.  Side note, I really like saying the word ponder.

I would hope that the character of Gherkin was clear and obvious to people, about what she represented.  The thing about Gherkin (WARNING SPOILER ALERT) is that I am Gherkin.  She’s the Roger Kint to my Keiser Soze, the ‘I am Jacks…’ to my Tyler Durden, the Mary-Kate to my Ashley.  One does not exist without the other.

If Gherkin eats a bag of cookies, it’s actually me who ate the bag of cookies.  If Gherkin hated a run, it’s actually me who hated the run. Going up and down in weight.  Having to struggle to lose it, or keep it off.  Having to work through still feeling like the girl I use to be, in contrast to the girl I hope to become.  These are all things that I experience, but unlike most people I gave it a name and a place to live.

Gherkin is a part of me, that’s why her zip code is the directions to my heart.  There’s a reason she’s not Gherkin the girl next door, or Gherkin the girl down the street. She’s a part of who I am, and I’m glad for that.  Whether right or wrong, whether accurate or inaccurate, she’s how I feel.    That’s why she’s not Gherkin the fat girl who lives in my stomach or brain, that’s why she lives exactly where she does.

My humour is self deprecating, mainly because that’s how I choose to look at my life.  Light heartedly (at least when Gherkin’s on vacation), with a sense of humour making fun of myself.  If I can’t laugh at my vulnerabilities and insecurities, or my neurosis, or my nerdiness, life will be high school all over again.  And I let go of being afraid to be myself, a long time ago.

It’s my personal blog, about my personal stories, from my personal perspective.  Not everyone’s going to like that, and that’s ok.  Just like I learned that when you put yourself out there, not everyone’s going to like you.  Heck, some people find it strange to talk about the people organs you have living inside your body.  I guess they feel that’s something that should be kept quiet.

Regardless, I will continue to talk about Gherkin, because I think she represents something that everybody has.  Whether it’s Stewart the dorky guy that lives in their heart.  Or Katie the shy girl that lives in their heart.  Or Kerri the Nsync fan that lives in their heart.  It’s a part of them that will always be there, and I don’t think they need to hide that.

One of my favourite English professors once said: “you can’t be afraid to write flawed work, if you’re afraid to write anything flawed you’ll never write anything good”.  And he was right.  To write well, you have to write with truth, honesty, and what lies in your heart, and for me that’s Gherkin.

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3 Responses to “My First Critic”

  1. Tom September 20, 2011 at 9:07 am #

    The few always tend to make the biggest noise. Gherkin is awesome as is your personal blog. Keep doing what I assume you intended to do when you first created this. Just use it as an outlet, don’t give two shits about anyone else.

    • My Converse & I September 20, 2011 at 1:26 pm #

      Tom I’m so glad you’re a Gherkin fan, enough people have told me that they are, that I will definitely not stop writing about her because of the noisy few. The funny thing is I’m not sure if he had actually read what I wrote about her or was even aware that Gherkin is actually me. I think he may have just been going off a few facebook status comments I had made.

  2. Sheeva March 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm #

    I don’t know. I got it? From your first Gherkin entry.
    But maybe you can only understand Gherkin if you have a Gherkin? And if you don’t have am inner Gherkin, consider yourself a lucky bastard.

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